Home sweet home both here and there

A vacation is never a vacation when you practically take all the contents of your household, including several children, with you. Add in there 13 hours of airports, layovers, and crowds, its enough to make you wonder why ya do it! Long day, quick baths, and straight to bed put to close the end of a really good home visit.

I didn't take my camera, because I figured there are plenty of family members with cameras, it was one less item to pack. And not a single one of them thought to bring their camera to the blessing of the newest baby in the family, the family luncheon after, or the dinner that night. No one brought it to Thanksgiving, to the fun filled sleepover with 5 of the grandchildren at Grandma's house, or to just capture our fantastic faces that they don't see every day. That's what I get for figuring wrong! (*we did take several on James's phone, but it's just not the same, I won't share with you my pain of an uncaptured momentous vacation.)

We took advantage of having time with our kids that we don't otherwise get with life in the way, and enjoyed a dinosaur museum, playing in the snow, driving to all our old places of memories, christmas lights at Temple Square, and lots.of.food. James dubbed it the 'food-cation.' It was bitter sweet cooking lunch yesterday at home, oh how I got spoiled not having to fix 24 meals for 5 people.

As we drove around in Salt Lake City, everything was familiar of course, but disconnected. The mountains made me feel like I was safe in protective arms again, but made me miss all the trees I have gotten used to seeing around me for the last 3 years. I loved not needing so much time to get to places, I enjoyed seeing faces of people who remind me that I am loved, and I savoured the laughter from cousins playing together. It tugged on my heart strings to see them all cry so hard saying goodbye to each other too.

There wasn't a moment or place that made me want to say "this is where we should be." Because there is a lot about the sheltered convenient life that I don't want to assume again. But coming back to NC and seeing everything that is familiar here too didn't give me that "this is where we should be" feeling either. I was relieved to see my home was just how I left it, and I was grateful to be able to kick off my shoes so to speak and settle in. Our home has become a nice reflection of our personalities, our hard work, and our little family. I just wish I could take this, and all the things I love and miss about my other home, and fit them together in the same frame. Something is missing in my life and I can't figure out what.

You crack me up

Kellan has been on a roll lately. He's so hilarious, and the things that come unfiltered out of his mouth are absolutely adorable.

I told him last week "You crack me up!" And he says "I know, you crack me up too. But you have a bigger crack." Me: "What do you mean?" Him: "Your butt crack is bigger than mine."

Of course he's into all potty humor. Anything related to bathroom business sends him into hysterical giggles. What's up with boys about that?

He wanted to tell James that he had bad breath, but in his words it came out "Daddy, your voice is stinky."

And tonight, as he said his prayers, he was so reverent and big hearted praying for everyone he loves, apoligizing for shutting Max's fingers in the door, and then... with so much intensity, he said "Please bless that I can be an awesome sword fighter."

Oh boy. Boy oh boy. I love this litte man.

TV show fineprint: Not intended to replace professional medical advice

Last year I was really into watching ER, all of the reruns were being shown so I set my DVR and caught up on an entire 4 seasons of it.

A girl was in the ER in one episode, and she had an overly worrying mother. The mother warned her daughter about going outside in the cold weather with wet hair, said she 'would catch pnemonia.' To which Abby replies "The only thing you'll catch with wet hair is split ends."

And I thought "I knew it!" So my bad habits of running late, and being notorious for being the only mother to drop her kid off at preschool with wet, unstyled hair continued. Seriously, these mothers, I don't get 'em. Some of them you know they are on the way to the gym in their cute tennis shoes and yoga pants, Danskins support tank, visor holding back their perfectly curled hair in a pristine ponytail. I bet they don't even break a sweat during their work out because their makeup would drip if they did. Gag. I like to look nice, but that's just weird.

But I don't know that I believe Abby entirely. Because I DO shower as the kids are eating breakfast, then quickly run out the door as soon as we all have clothes on. And because I'm constantly sporting wet hair, AND this is the third time this year that I've had pnemonia, it really does make me think there's something to it!

Clutter into cash

I love the convenience of the internet! And I love that other people, like me, also love going there instead of dealing with traffic/cash registers/public to buy things. It's helped me thin out a lot of excess and make some mula back!

I sold our queen mattress set last month for a fraction of what we paid for it 6 years ago. But still more than James thought we'd get out of it. I'm sure the fact that I didn't say "Last baby birthed on it" in the listing might have helped a little! (breath people. It was waterproof covered.)

I sold a carseat, a baby activity center toy, a bookshelf and a chair on craigslist. I sold cloth diapers that Max outgrew on ebay, along with some clothes, bottles, nursing bra (new), and Bed Bath and Beyond coupons. Yes, seriously.

What cracks me up, is that the diapers I sold were used, and didn't even have some of the items that came with a "starter kit" of them, yet they sold for $1 more than what I paid for the starter kit of them! And the kids clothes? I buy them from Children's Place or Old Navy sales. My kids wear them. They're kept in nice condition sure, but I'm reselling them for what I've paid for them.

Now I've got a toilet to find its way to an eager buyer's home. I wish it would fit into mine! This one doesn't have the 'rim' that gets buildup to scrub underneath, it's smooth surface. If you could say a toilet is sexy, it's this toilet, seriously.

Who said raising kids is expensive? They never got resourceful on the internet appearantly.

Some people are like cement, totally mixed up and permanently set.

The saying should have gone more like "If you don't know what you're talking about, maybe you shouldn't say anything at all."

And for the first time, I'm thankful for interrupters, because it prevented me from getting really really angry at someone at church. Not the best place to rebuke, or is it?! So I'm venting it here. I have no clue if this person even reads my blog, but part of me hopes so. I am that.mad.

When you make a comment to someone like "If something went wrong, and you or your child was at risk, how could you forgive yourself? (enter intense eye stare here, to make it obvious 'yeah I"m talking to you' kind of a stare down.) I mean, really? How could you ever forgive yourself."

Wow. You really don't know me. I'm not a risk taker. I'm not a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl. I am probably over analytical at best, OCD information sponge at worst.

The conversation was about homebirth with someone else at church, who this person was sitting next to. And this person was also same person who took a LOT of opportunities to indulge scare tactics toward me because she thought my homebirth was wreckless and crazy. I'm sure a lot of people did. Same person also fabricated a 'near death' birth experience to try to convince me how necessary and exclusive hospitals are in the birthing process.

It wasn't something that I thought one day "Oh that sounds cool, I wanna try one" and decided to do it. And I can't think of a thing that I do in my life that is purely for a trend, unless you count paying taxes trendy, because that's one that I don't do willfully!

But I'm sure there are a lot of people who decide to have a homebirth because it seems more feminist, or spiritual, or anti-western medicine. For me, as with all decisions I make, it was a calculation based on options. For my health, experience, age, non medicated preference, it actually was the SAFEST option. You don't have to understand that entirely, because if you don't understand how I can say a homebirth is the safest option, then you probably just don't know that much about it. Period.

I'd hardly call a midwife who has delivered over 300 babies, with only 1% cesarean rate wreckless. A midwife, who had preparations for all of the "what if's" just like a hospital did. What if hemmhoraging, what if low heart rate, etc. And unlike an OBGYN, she was there monitoring the entire time. One who used treatments to prevent tearing instead of allowing it to happen by doing nothing, one who minimized stress and worry on the mother to improve the outcome.

I had prenatal care the entire time. Blood sugar check, iron levels, urine tests, weight, blood pressure, etc. I had an ultrasound to measure and observe vital organs of the baby's development. So the only thing I DIDN'T have, was the offer of pain medication. Obviously. And because I chose a homebirth, if the need occured, I could go have a cesarean at the hospital. Just like any other woman birthing at the hospital.

It wasn't done at home in squalor, without proper equipment to monitor the baby and myself, and it didn't lack the 'what if' preparations. So yes, I could live with myself if something unfortunate happened. Because I took every preparation that I could to prevent that. And just like hospital births, sometimes unavoidable things happen.

I read a fantastic article that might help people understand more why some women choose a homebirth. It uses the analogy of a marathon. I have no intention of running a marathon, but I have friends who have. They train for it. They maintain their health for it. They are educated about how their body will work to perform it. They prepare their endurance, their support, and they know the risks they assume with it. There is medical persons standing by in case of any 'what if' that was unforseeable. And running a marathon is physically excruciating at times for some, done without medication, and really hard work overall. But it isn't something they just woke up and decided to do one day. It takes preparation and knowledge. And it isn't for everyone. But because my friends want to run a marathon doesn't mean I feel like my choice to NOT run a marathon is better smarter or more right. It is just different.

Now, if I were ignoring advances or wisdom that we have of those who have come before us to avoid the 'what if's' and choosing a situation that rejected the best preparation, thinking that I am invincible to anything happening (whether it be a hospital birth, OR a homebirth) then you might have a point.

"Someday you're going to miss this"

I've been thinking lately about each age and phase that each of my children have gone through. None of them have had their 'firsts' in any common way. They have said their first words, slept through the night, first steps, and first foods all in their own time and their own way. So how can there be a standard when every child is so different?

I've been asked a few times if Max is weaned, because he is 1 year old now, that seems like the natural question to fly out of people's mouth. A little weird that they worry about that, but I get it. No, he isn't. I don't know when he will be either! But I'm loving that. With my first, I pushed and anticipated each phase that I missed out on enjoying a lot of the in betweens. AND she was very colicky (is that even a word!) so that phase didn't last long with her. She is and always has been Miss Independent in every way. Kellan was my nonchalant little dude. He just goes with the flow for everything. But Max, he's my medium ground, the one that doesn't go with the flow for everything, but the one that isn't the most difficult either. I have to use my instincts and go by his cues for much much more.

I try often to remember each of them at various ages that I enjoyed, I always find myself saying "I don't want to forget this."

My favorite age with Maren has probably been 5. Her horrible once a month tear-down-the-house tantrums stopped, her independence and confidence sky rocketed, and she has been so loving and giving with compliments, really showing me that she is watching what I say and do, and at this age tries to be just like me. It really helps me watch my actions.

Kellan is my clown. My favorite age thus far with him was 3. 4 has been a difficult time with him! His hyperness multiplied by a thousand, but so did his inquisitiveness. He went from my 'eh, I don't want to learn' kid, to the little boy who can write his name all by himself and is shadowing his sister trying to read like she can.

Max is my sweetheart, and 1 is always a favorite age for me. He 'sings' and bobbles his head, dances and bounces all over. He needs reassurance and praises for his confidence, but that is OK! I love when he leans in for a kiss when he's shy, the pouty 'oh' lips that he makes, and his obvious adoration of his big brother and sister.

But I know moments with each of them will be difficult. And rewarding. Each in their own season. They'll test me, they'll test themselves, they'll find their testimony, their passions, and places. I just hope they remember and learn the virtues I am trying to teach them. But every time I find myself getting more frustrated than I probably should, or being the "no nazi" too much, I keep saying "Why not? Why are you so mad?" And I always hear a quote that I have burned in my memory...

"You're not managing an inconvenience, you are raising a

human being."

-Kittie Franz, American Pediatric Nurse

The goose drank lime

The real lyrics are:

3,6,9 The goose drank wine, the monkey chewed tobacco on the streetcar line.

The line broke, the monkey got choked, and they all went to heaven in a little rowboat.

My mommy told me, if I was goody, that she would buy me a rubber dolly.

My auntie told her I kissed a soldier, now she won't buy me a rubber dolly.

And Kellan has also learned "Rubber baby buggy bumpers" so he created his own rendition of this song. Which I happen to like better ;)

What's on the menu

I love fall. I love cooking. Having something yummy in the crockpot after coming home from getting the kids from school, or taking them to ballet, always makes me feel like someone else is taking care of *me* instead, haha. A little psychology I'll leave you to figure out.

Here's what I've got on the menu for the next week or so, maybe it'll help if you're in a decisive funk like I have been a lot recently deciding what to feed my family.

BBQ Chicken Pitas, steamed carrots, corn on the cob

Turkey Chili, Cheesy jalepeno corn bread

Russian Chicken, brown rice, french cut green beans

Spaghetti & Meatballs, Caesar salad, garlic bread (*yes, Spaghetti in the crockpot too!)

Chicken Parmesean, baked spinach linquini, parmesean breadsticks

Roasted Red Pepper w/ Basil Pesto soup, baked butternut squash

Orange Chicken, vegetarian potstickers, sweet peas

Hickory smoked Salmon on the grill, rice pilaf, creamed broccoli soup

Chicken Fajitas, sautee'd peppers, tatertots


Yes, my kids eat all this. Yes, it's mostly organic, or atleast natural and most of it homecooked instead of kit-prepared. And no, I don't spend a fortune on groceries. But I am farther away from my desire to eat more vegetarian!

Auto Pilot

I think I've figured out how to survive on 4 hours of sleep a night down to a science. Of course, 6:30 bedtimes are mandatory for this equation.

I went grocery shopping this morning, even though every cell in my body was telling me to stay home and put on Yo Gabba Gabba for Max so I could lay on the couch and take a nap. But then I would think of going later in the day with all 3 kids and I'd immediately break a sweat. No way. So I went out this morning. 45 minute drive to Trader Joe's, shopping with just Max, 45 minute drive back. I wanted to stretch out the peace and quiet, so I sat in the dining area of Starbucks and savored a breakfast wrap with an eggnog steamed soy. I LOVE the time of year when Eggnog shows its face!

Picked up Kellan, put groceries away, made lunch, put away 3 loads of laundry (all while on the phone with my mom) and then it was time to get Maren from the bus. I figured the boys would sleep in the car. They had other plans.

I then went to vote, went to the chiropractor so we could all get an adjustment, and then to Walmart.

I wish I could say this was all I did today, but all mom's know how much taking care of kids ALSO entails. And how much brain power you need to pay attention to several of them! Did I mention I did all this while running a fever? I thought I was just achey and in desperate need of sleep... yeah, that too, but my Chiropractor noticed it, and took my temperature. 100.6, cool.

And that is why all kids were in bed by 6:30. But who's going to do the dishes? Has anyone seen my husband?

Halloween

Super Mario and Princess Peach really were a cute duo this year.

And what's a pirate without a parrot?

Max cooperated well, and just like my other kids, he will pose for the camera, I love it! We had a lot of fun, a lot of festivities, and now time to go through the candy take my portion, a few for the kids, and gradually work the rest of it into the trash over time without the kids noticing!

No worries

I'm fine. I feel better after getting that off my chest. I think I may make my blog private, and I found an online job writing opinion articles for an associated editor for various magazines, I might look into that for an outlet of my thoughts. That way my blog will only be filled with all the fuzzy warmsies of babies, vacations, school, and holidays. My shift of becoming a Stepford Wife to fit in is almost complete, haha.

Leave me your email address in my comments so I can send out invites to be a reader.

To quote a few friends...

Betsy, your randomness posts is something I'll probably channel here. I have no point specifically.

Debbie, I loved your quote in your last post: "Expectations are premeditated resentments."

Kari, your 'about me' that says: "I have opinions. I use them. I really don't care if you don't have the same opinion. But you don't have to put me down for mine. I wish we could be more honest with each other without causing too much pain. "

I'v had my feelers hurt lately. And I realize that a lot of it has come from a necessary process of weeding out. Sometimes its a funny process of figuring out who good people in your life need to be. And who does not need to be in your life.

One thing about me is that I do have opinions. I do think a lot. Read a lot. Try to self educate a lot. I don't have to be right about any one of them. But I do know what is best for me. I also like to conversate. I find it very enriching to engage in conversations with intelligent people, and also find out about what is impactful or personal to them, see their point of view, and learn something from each other.

However, if the only reason that you read my blog is to look for something to criticize about, judge about, or entertain yourself in any other way at my expense only without contributing in any way to my life... seriously... do some reflecting.

Because if I, in some way, voice an opinion that you didn't like, which you didn't bother to expand your own thoughts on a subject, and only harbored contentment against me about it, then Debbie's quote might apply to you. I am not here to meet anyones expectations. I am a real person. A mother, a friend, a sister, a daughter, a wife, an activist, an involved community member, a volunteer, a daughter of God, a missionary, a Christian, a GOOD MANY THINGS.

But what I don't aspire to be is your enemy, your conversation piece, your unmet expectation, your pre-determined person of judgement without bother to know about me, your door mat, your therapist, or your temp service go-to guy.

I do live my life with a "pay it forward" attitude. I look for many opportunities to serve other people. I love freely. I don't harbor resentments. I forgive fully. I am diverse. I love friendships that help me be a better person. If you don't fit in the same categories, and you find yourself feeling resentments towards me in any way, then maybe my unmet expectations you had about me needs some reflection.

Offense is NEVER intended. And can only be experienced by being taken.

I will always have a lot to say as long as God blesses my mind and my heart, I will continue to use my voice. Because sometimes, in someway, it has been a blessing for someone. You're not obligated to read my blog. Just keep in mind, I'm a person. And the resentment that you carry around is probably by your own aquisition of it, because I don't deliver any of that around here.