Fresh Feelings

::breath::
That's the thing I love doing in the morning, when I'm outside tending to the dog or the chickens, I love the beginning of fall. Goodbye Indian summer.

With the heat of the summer, and all of the hard things we were going through all at one time, just like the crushing heat- it all seems to be easing up. Life is feeling good again. It always has been, just hard to feel.

I never thought I would have so many thank you letters to write, I have been showered with so much support. So many friends have said "I don't know how you're handling all of this." Well, without all of the kindness shown to us, I don't think we could have. We had many angels administering to us.

I know a lot of people who usually don't read my blog have begun to read it, to see how we are, to find out the latest of the situation with the children. Why have I been so open about it? Well... it was a weird situation, for us in the neighborhood. Things changed here at the beginning of the summer with a big effort to get the neighborhood connected. When I started coordinating a block party, I became the most familiar face in the neighborhood I suppose. So when other neighbors heard about the news, not knowing it involved my children, they would call or email or come by my house with something like "Have you heard about what has been happening to 'neighbor boy'? It's so shocking, it's so sad."

So this is why I've been so open about it: If it were me, approaching another neighbor to discuss the shock that has rocked us all, and I had *no clue* it was that person's child affected by it, I would feel SO AWFUL to learn about it later on, I would feel insensitive to have not known and then brought it up with that person. I would never want someone to feel uncomfortable after, when they would have no way of knowing something like that, so it's always best to be open. I don't mind it. But it is sort of a double edge sword, because every time, every conversation seeing that realization with the person I'm talking with, is reliving that day of realization for us.

I can't wait until the dust settles, until we all can move forward and keep the feeling of a friendly neighborhood that we worked hard to foster.

One neighbor said to me today, during such a realizing conversation, "It's just such crushing information to find out. Our neighborhood is going to hell."

No, it isn't. To me, Hell is a place absent of the presence of God. For me, in this neighborhood, and many friends not in this neighborhood, I have seen the grace of God and the good he can do with our life even through all of that sin. Opposits can't exist on the same plane going in the same direction. If their paths become perpendicular for a time, it always breaks apart eventually- righteousness and wickedness cannot abide together. Opposites. So through all of this, we have felt the exposure, and it opens our eyes more to see the differences. No one else saw the difference before, even us. And now, I see kindness, love, sad hearts, people being the tools for God's hands.

And little by little as our abilities become back to normal, we have a lot of work to do as a tool to keep showing that goodness of God in our lives. We have so much service to give back that has been given to us. And I'm really looking forward to giving it.

Just a few thoughts...

Hearing from other people "This happened to me too" doesn't help so much. A lot of the experiences that my daughter explained to us were similar to things that happened to me too. It doesn't matter. I appreciate the empathy and support, but it leaves me at a loss as to what to say to those people other than "I'm so sorry for you." What an ugly thing to do to a child.

Trying to think about things like at least at the end of the day we still have our children to hold, helps. Some. Bad things happen to all kinds of family, and when things are all said and done, some of them don't get to hold their children after it all. We still do, and believe me we feel incredibly blessed to be their parents. But it's one of those things that are easier said than done.


Knowing that statistically most kids don't tell their parents on their own about something inappropriate happening to them, doesn't make the parents feel any better. Of course we beat ourselves up with guilt. We thought we took every precaution that we could even have done, shy of locking them in a bubble. And we tried to empower them with vocabulary to be able to tell us if anything ever did. But they didn't tell us on their own. Maybe all of those things were seeds that helped them be able to communicate with us as well as they have, who knows. But when we get after the kids for not picking up their shoes after we asked them 5 times, of course they're going to be scared to tell us about something like this! It's hard to not feel like we had some kind of accountability, even if it's that we're too hard on them. Or that we should have locked them in a bubble.


Worrying about what other people might think because I posted this on my blog, well... pooey. I don't really care. It's my blog. This is my family.

I thought that we were through the rough part, the kids seemed relieved to know that they could talk to us, and that we believed them. And we knew they would get the counseling to learn the tools that they'll need as they navigate through this over and over in their lives. But that wasn't the hard part. The after math, their post traumatic stress and anxiety has come NOW after they know it's open. Because before, things didn't change in their lives. And things have changed now, they know it. Their time with their friend is strained, their encounters seeing this person outside is confusing as to "now what will happen" and it all shows in their moods and behaviors. That is what we are having a rough time around this house with.

And definitely, don't tell me that I should forgive. I know what Christ did. I know his sacrifice was for every sinner. I'm one of them every day. But first, Christ suffered and atoned for the sins, before he sacrificed himself. And I would expect the same from someone truly trying to be repentant, but that's not dependent upon my requirement to forgive. The blessing of forgiveness is mine, not the offenders, they can figure out a way to go on in their lives without it- so we'll get to a point some day where it doesn't affect our lives any more and there will be peace in our hearts- that is forgiveness. But we don't have to offer exemption from experiencing a consequence from the actions they did. Don't tell me that's what Christ would do, because it isn't. And God does not tolerate those who love and make a lie, or harm little children, I feel pretty ok about my intolerance right now too.

I wish it wasn't beautiful weather outside, it would make it easier for this mama bear to just pull her cubs close to her, and shut her eyes to hibernate for a few months until the dust settles.

Moments That Matter Most

This video hit close to home.

For all of my ideals of why I wanted to homeschool my kids, it's a year by year assessment. Last year was good. We learned a lot, we grew and changed in different ways, and we prioritized differently than we might have.

This year? It felt like huge anxiety. Once the summertime hit, things got chaotic at our house. Every pillar that holds up our lives have been affected: health, finances, emotional, spiritual, and social. And every time I tried to think about the next school year, I was filled with such anxiety. No peace. But I went ahead and prepared the books that I wanted to use. Registered for some activities, cancelled others, I was trying to put my feet moving forward. And every time that there was a day where I thought "We can do this! It doesn't have to happen right now, we'll get to it, and it will be just fine", then I would have another moment that would cancel that feeling out.

I have had every virtue challenged. I have failed miserably on some accounts of being the mother that I want to be. I told James before I got pregnant, that it isn't fair to children to have a pregnant mother- I'm no picnic to deal with, ask them! They'll tell ya! And with so much focus going into Maren and Kellan's healing, it leaves Max on the back burner. A lot. It leaves me entirely off of the agenda. And it has shown in my ability to handle the stress thrown at me.

I took a hard look at everything this coming school year. And for all of the big things I wanted to do in our life, it's the little moments day by day that are defining our family. And that is what matters more than 'what we do.' I don't like to think about myself first, as a mom trying to be a good one, who does? I don't like to make big preparations that I cancel. I don't like taking on a challenge and feeling committed to doing it but then having to quit.

I've heard from other people "I don't blame you!" But I didn't want to be the reason that things aren't working out how they used to. But more than that, I don't want my kids to suffer. I hate hearing from other parents "I can't wait for a break, I can't wait for school to start so I can send my kids away for the majority of every day." The reality of that is kind of sad! I love my kids, and I want them to thrive in their home. But more than just that, I want them to be educated, and love learning, and I just can't do it all right now. I don't want to send them away every day for that much time. But I want them to grow! I want them to have their anxieties eased, not worsened. I want my children happy again.

We'll get through this.

One year at a time.

So tomorrow the kids will go to the public school to be assessed and placed with a teacher. Here's to praying that this shows more peace in the right choice.

Amazing Graces

If I got to look through a catelog of trials that I have to go through in my life, you know, as building character, I would never have chosen the ones I'm facing right now. We never really do know what we can handle... until we do. And we never know the graces that fall on us to help us make it through them, until they embrace us with their grace.

James is in for his second stay in the hospital in two weeks. He went in by ambulance Sunday almost two weeks ago for excruciating abdominal pain. He thought it was kidney (renal colic) again, but it progressed to be much worse, and we worried about pain medication or something to that nature. Nope. Divurticulitis. Which on a measurement of horrible human pain, it's up there with kidney stones and gun shot wounds. How wonderful.

After a round of poor management of his care, 3 nights stay, he left with a five day course of antibiotics and no pain medication to manage the pain. Ridiculous. Lucky for him I'm a mama bear and made sure he was taken care of. But once the 5 day course ran out, he relapsed and we took him to a different hospital this time. But, that's where he is right now, on his 3rd night stay again. But I'm not sure when he is coming home this time. He has an abscess in his bowels, amidst the infection, and that's why he relapsed. If it doesn't clear out, then it's invasive surgery leaving him with a lovely hand bag to carry around (colostomy bag.) If it does clear out, then the surgery will be laperoscopically done in a week or two when the inflammation has reduced, much better for James. But we still don't know.



The only picture that I took during his first stay was this one, of his right hand totally swollen. His IV line had infiltrated his skin, and was pooling up with fluid for 4 days. The nurses wouldn't change it though, because it was a hassle for them to do so, if the medication was still getting in. Nice. And painful.

The wonderful women at church have been amazing at helping my family out right now. Not only is my husband in the hospital, I'm also 13 weeks pregnant and siiiiiick more evenings than not. James was the dinner guy, and now James is not here. It's been hard. But many people have stepped in and brought us in meals, which I am beyond grateful for. Saying "I need help" are three hard words, but I'm learning, and humbled. And what a better comforting gift to bring to someone with a bowel infection, than a huge basket full of all sorts of fruit! Amazing! That gesture made me cry every time I looked at the selections each time I made James a bowl full of something to eat.

They have surrounded me like an army of protectors, loving my children, helping with meals, watching the kids so that I can visit James at the hospital and take him a fresh supply of items to cheer him up.

And even the Relief Society President is not above indulging a toddler when he asks "Can I have a horsey ride?" It felt good to laugh!


The house is quiet after a hard day. My stomach isn't lurching as much for a while (because I'm eating...again...I'm going to be huge with this baby and I just don't care right now.) And I am missing my husband like crazy.


I'm 13 weeks pregnant, sick most days, working through comforting my children with their anxieties, husband has been sick for 2 weeks now in 2 different hospitals, and I haven't allowed myself many times to just sit down and cry. But tonight, boy howdy, I sure had a good cry fest after talking to my mom about my emotional wrestling about the kids schooling. But what triggered my cry fest? A pregnancy craving that I can't ask my dear sweet husband to bring me, or be here with the children while I go get it myself. I'm pathetic right?


Here's an update on some of the other things going on in our lives with the teenager.


And stay tuned for news about our puppy. Yes, as if I didn't have enough stress, you're probably thinking I'm crazy. I don't disagree!