Moments That Matter Most

This video hit close to home.

For all of my ideals of why I wanted to homeschool my kids, it's a year by year assessment. Last year was good. We learned a lot, we grew and changed in different ways, and we prioritized differently than we might have.

This year? It felt like huge anxiety. Once the summertime hit, things got chaotic at our house. Every pillar that holds up our lives have been affected: health, finances, emotional, spiritual, and social. And every time I tried to think about the next school year, I was filled with such anxiety. No peace. But I went ahead and prepared the books that I wanted to use. Registered for some activities, cancelled others, I was trying to put my feet moving forward. And every time that there was a day where I thought "We can do this! It doesn't have to happen right now, we'll get to it, and it will be just fine", then I would have another moment that would cancel that feeling out.

I have had every virtue challenged. I have failed miserably on some accounts of being the mother that I want to be. I told James before I got pregnant, that it isn't fair to children to have a pregnant mother- I'm no picnic to deal with, ask them! They'll tell ya! And with so much focus going into Maren and Kellan's healing, it leaves Max on the back burner. A lot. It leaves me entirely off of the agenda. And it has shown in my ability to handle the stress thrown at me.

I took a hard look at everything this coming school year. And for all of the big things I wanted to do in our life, it's the little moments day by day that are defining our family. And that is what matters more than 'what we do.' I don't like to think about myself first, as a mom trying to be a good one, who does? I don't like to make big preparations that I cancel. I don't like taking on a challenge and feeling committed to doing it but then having to quit.

I've heard from other people "I don't blame you!" But I didn't want to be the reason that things aren't working out how they used to. But more than that, I don't want my kids to suffer. I hate hearing from other parents "I can't wait for a break, I can't wait for school to start so I can send my kids away for the majority of every day." The reality of that is kind of sad! I love my kids, and I want them to thrive in their home. But more than just that, I want them to be educated, and love learning, and I just can't do it all right now. I don't want to send them away every day for that much time. But I want them to grow! I want them to have their anxieties eased, not worsened. I want my children happy again.

We'll get through this.

One year at a time.

So tomorrow the kids will go to the public school to be assessed and placed with a teacher. Here's to praying that this shows more peace in the right choice.