Planning on the unplanable

Is unplanable a word? It is for me.

With so much happening in our family since I found out we would be expanding it, what I have also seen is that I can't plan a dang single detail of it. Talk about God wanting me to learn a lesson. Normally I would stress out about things that I can't feel secure about or organize things for. Call it getting older or wiser, or just a case of perspective, but I'm learning to let it all go. And even though I still don't know about most of it- health, finances, jobs, Christmas, legal issues, etc. etc, I just don't care.

But, I will admit, I expected God to throw me ONE bone. After 3 ultrasounds, I had hoped one of them would tell me if the baby was a boy or a girl- something to day dream about, name the baby, focus on one aspect of my life to bring some calm. And after 3 ultrasounds, we still didn't know! I admit, I cried. Silliness, I know. Then I got a surprise offer for another sneak peak, a smack across the face reminding me that I needed to quit trying to control everything, and we got to find out that we are having a baby GIRL! Finally, something I can plan details about!

So my last appointment with the midwife went as follows:

MW: "So you're still measuring 4 weeks ahead, that's been consistent. Who knows, maybe this baby will come earlier than March."

Me: "We're planning on being ready by February just in case. But we're so broke, can't afford an ultrasound to really analyze the size of the baby and predict better. I'm not that worried about it. I've never had a preterm baby, I have no health indications in this pregnancy to worry about that either, so we'll see!"

MW:" And we'll keep checking. If you keep measuring ahead every visit, then we move it to every two weeks soon (since you might be farther along) and then every week. Knowing if everything still stays on track with an earlier due date and you happen to go into labor in February, I think we'll know plenty to be confident about that. And even if it's 36 weeks after all, lots of reasons to think the baby will be just fine."

Me: "I'm not worried. But I do feel like my iron has been high lately."

*Pricks my finger to check*

MW: "Well, every visit you've been around 15. We see a drop in women with good iron count around 30 weeks because of increase in blood volume. You're at 11.5 right now, already dropped. Another reason to suspect you're not 25 weeks, you're probably 29 weeks."

A girl can hope!

MW: "And your blood pressure is 77/56, do you feel ok? You're drinking plenty of water so I know it's not related to dehydration, your urine test looked great."

Me: "I feel great. A little tired, normal. I always run a low BP..." (...thinking ahead about a cup of coffee, some cayenne, and a nap. That'll help.)

MW: (while listening to the baby's heart beat) "Oh, she has hiccups!" (another little tidbit there, 25 week babies haven't really started the swallowing reflex yet to take in amniotic fluid, and therefore get hiccups. But 30 weeker babies do! Hmm...)

So after all of that, I could be approaching the third trimester already. One more thing in my life that is unplanable, you're so funny there, God! And I'm learning to be okay about that too. I know my body will go into labor when it is ready, I take excellent care of it to feel assured that I don't go into labor before the baby is ready. But there is one thing.... if this baby still insists on hanging out transverse, and I'm further along than I thought, that makes me a little nervous. She better figure out the vertical thing here soon. Letting go, right? I need to trust. This is probably the biggest one of all of it. I have to trust this baby and my body to figure it out soon, so I can avoid a c-section.

And after this baby is born, I hope to never have so many aspects of "what if" thrown at me at one time. M'Kay?